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Schizophrenia
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Do you like this song?
Yes
69%
 69%  [ 9 ]
Somewhat
15%
 15%  [ 2 ]
No
15%
 15%  [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 13

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Inventor
Stream Operator


Joined: Oct 13, 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: Schizophrenia
Subject description: A song about my schizophrenia
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I just got done creating a song that expresses my angst at being diagnosed as a schizophrenic. The music was done in my ChucK Lab software, specifically the Guitar Lab part of the software. Vocals and post-processing were done in Audacity, an excellent tool that I am just learning to use. The vocal effect is to overlay each short segment of vocals with an attenuated retrograde of that segment. Here is the song:

http://www.freedomodds.com/music/songs/Schizophrenia.mp3

I'd appreciate your comments as I am new to music and have a lot to learn, thanks.

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Uncle Krunkus
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Overall I'd say it's brilliant. The greatest points being the simplicity, originality, subversive, emotive, passionate, veiled sadness, the anger in the guitar part, the monotony of the sequence.
To drag it more towards "where I wanted it to go", I would have tied the tonality of the guitar and sequence closer together, which would set the stage for a fourth instrument entering at about the 3/4 mark, which would be surprisingly underpinned by the monotony and anger of the main part. Does that make sense?
Keep in mind that's just the kind of thing I'd do, and would be very prone to sounding cliched rather than brilliant. Maybe it's brilliant because you didn't go that way?
Production wise, it's a bit noisey for the levels, but I think that actually adds to the ambience.
I love the processing on the voice especially, how did you do that again?
Well done,
bring on the next one! Very Happy

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Kassen
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Utterly brilliant in all it's anti-social glory.
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Stream Operator


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Uncle Krunkus wrote:
Overall I'd say it's brilliant. The greatest points being the simplicity, originality, subversive, emotive, passionate, veiled sadness, the anger in the guitar part, the monotony of the sequence.


My gosh, what a thrill I got reading that! I was thinking it was kind of amateurish and poorly done as I am so new. I felt the vocals were kind of flat-sounding, but I guess dressing them up with retrograde really added that ghostly, demonic tone that I wanted.

And thanks to you too Kassen, I live for compliment!

Uncle Krunkus wrote:
To drag it more towards "where I wanted it to go", I would have tied the tonality of the guitar and sequence closer together, which would set the stage for a fourth instrument entering at about the 3/4 mark, which would be surprisingly underpinned by the monotony and anger of the main part. Does that make sense?


No, I'm such a music novice that I don't have the background to understand the phrase "tonality of the guitar", though I thought that I messed up the guitar tone when I applied a high pass filter to attenuate the drums. For the second version (i'll post next) I worked with separate tracks.

Uncle Krunkus wrote:
Production wise, it's a bit noisey for the levels, but I think that actually adds to the ambience.
I love the processing on the voice especially, how did you do that again?
Well done,
bring on the next one! Very Happy


Yes, the noise came from the microphone sensitivity being too high, I'll adjust that better next time.

I recorded the voice In audacity and then copied it to another track. Then I highlighted one sentence of the voice and applied "Reverse" from the "Effects" pulldown menu. I repeated this for each sentence. Then I attenuated the reverse by 3 dB (or was it 6 dB?). This created a demonic-sounding backwards voice that superimposed on my flat-toned vocals to spice them up a bit. It's intended to represent my ghostly demonic nightmares and visions which the medicine helps to eliminate. No kidding.

The song originated when I went to my nephew's Bar Mitzvah two days ago. On the one hand I was so happy to see him perform the service so well and to realize the strong family, social, and religious relationships that he is forming and understanding in the process. On the other hand the whole thing reminded me of the horrible treatment that I received from Christian churches who spread false rumors about me and set in place a rolling snowball of events that led to a schizophrenic breakdown just prior to the 9/11 attack.

Although I understand that many people have had it worse in life than me, including my younger brother whose body was torn apart in a horrible car accident, and I am often very thankful for what I do have, the song expresses my anger at God for creating me with this inherent time bomb that has destroyed my career and social life. Now I understand what people mean when they say that music helps them express their feelings and get things out in the open. Thanks so much for the compliments!!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Uncle Krunkus wrote:
bring on the next one! Very Happy


Well, you know, just this morning I made a second one. Only the lyrics are the same as the first one. This time I created a vocoder effect using FFTs and a comb filter in ChucK. All of the music is from the Guitar Lab portion of my ChucK Lab program. Here is the link:

http://www.freedomodds.com/music/songs/Schizophrenia2.mp3

And just in case you couldn't make out the lyrics from either song, here they are:


Schizophrenia
Copyright 2008 Les Hall


Schizophrenia

A time bomb in my brain
Tick-tock it waits to maim
Doesn't show up early
First appears at thirty

A god who does not love me
Created me this way
Predetermined failure
No matter how I try

People laughing at me
Look at that lunatic
They don't understand
Nightmares haunt my mind

Demons in the night
Shadows in the day
Ghosts of people in my sight
See the visions night and day

All I ever wanted
Was a simple family life
A wife, some kids, a house, a job
Denied by a god who made me flawed

So now I curse his name
Jehovah the destroyer
A god who says he loves you
But fucks you up instead

Schizophrenia

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Blue Hell
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

That 1st one is good, I like the 2nd less - sounds as if polished up, no need to do that IMO. I remember those fears from way back, now I have different ones Wink
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Omega Wood



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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Bullshit.
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mosc
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

I agree with all of the above statements. I like number 1 best too. IMHO, or in my experience, these kinds of things are best done one off, more or less impulsively. That is, trying to perfect them later is difficult and rarely works.. I'm always doing one shot quick pieces.

Too bad about the schizophrenia. I know a bit about it because an uncle I was close to had it, and now a very good friend. What a drag it is that most people think it is just faking or something you should just shake off if you were only strong enough. Normal people rarely have compassion for the schizophrenic people in their lives. In fact, they seem to try their best to get them out of their lives.

Anyway, music can help work emotional things through. We are here to listen, so keep em coming.

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Inventor
Stream Operator


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

mosc wrote:
I agree with all of the above statements. I like number 1 best too. IMHO, or in my experience, these kinds of things are best done one off, more or less impulsively. That is, trying to perfect them later is difficult and rarely works.. I'm always doing one shot quick pieces.


Yes, that's exactly what happened, Howard! I didn't think the first one was good enough so I tried to "fix" it after a little sleep. You're right on target! Also I should mention that the song expresses how I feel *some* of the time, I don't walk around cursing God all the time. In fact, these days I'm fairly happy overall.

mosc wrote:
Too bad about the schizophrenia. I know a bit about it...


I still haven't come to terms with mine. I mean, day to day is OK and the nightmares don't really bother me so much anymore. It's just that I busted my butt for so many years to accomplish my dream and all was for nothing. I put myself through school *twice* and worked all those years - got patents, publications, etc., but now I can't work for fear of going postal.

Thank God for disability and music or I, I just don't know... I erased a bunch of stuff that doesn't belong on this forum, lol!

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Uncle Krunkus
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Silke F. wrote:
Bullshit.


Is there some kind of qualification of this statement on the way, or is it just trolling? Rolling Eyes

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chuckles



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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:47 am    Post subject: Intense... Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

I can appreciate the emotional power you've put into it and it does have a really strong sound.

I remember your name as over the past year or two I see that I have some other Chuck files of yours. Keep ChucKing!

In my life, there have definitely been periods where music was all that there was between me and the abyss.

I also wanted to offer a note of encouragement, even if your style is not at the top of my favorites list. Pity that some people have nothing positive to offer but post anyway. It's challenging enough navigating Life without having to deal with that sort of thing.

Cheers and Chuckles
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Kassen
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Uncle Krunkus wrote:
Silke F. wrote:
Bullshit.


Is there some kind of qualification of this statement on the way, or is it just trolling? Rolling Eyes


More like fetishism, I think, considering the earlier posts about shitting on people, etc.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Thanks for the words of encouragement, chuckles, that kind of comment helps erase the unfortunate sentiments expressed by someone else. I have no idea what was behind the BS comment. Anyway, I think I've exhausted my creative energy for now and I'll simply await inspiration for the next one.
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v-un-v
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Both tracks are brilliant. The first is maybe too long and the second too short all adding to the overall claustrophobia. Awesome. Reminded me a little of Throbbing Gristle- especially around the 'Hamburger Lady' period, but totally original.

I can almost feel your pain (and fear) in this music, if it wasn't for me being different to you.

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DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

v-un-v wrote:
Both tracks are brilliant ... I can almost feel your pain (and fear) in this music, if it wasn't for me being different to you.


Wow, v-un-v, thanks a lot for the compliment! Beleive it or not, I have started to appreciate some of these schizophrenic dreams and visions. If I see a glimpse of a shadow in the corner of my eye while playing guitar, I just laugh and enjoy it. Also lately, just in the past week my dreams have become lucid, meaning that I know I'm dreaming while the dream is occurring. I laughed at the demon whose claws grabbed my arms from behind and pinned me to the bed, and I embraced the playful dog who jumped up on the couch where I was sleeping.

I still don't watch TV or listen to talk radio much because I think they are talking about me sometimes when they are obviously not, but who needs TV or talk radio in this short life? Do I want to look back and remember sitcoms or do I want to look back and remember the music that I created?

Well, there I go rambling again but it helps me to talk about such things. Thanks again for your appraisal of my work!

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v-un-v
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

I don't have TV either. Too much misinformation.

FWIW, Manic depression (which is quite similar to schizophrenia- apart from the voices) run in one side of the family and aspurges/ dislexia in the other. Great. I'm DOOMED! Laughing

My cousin Steve has schizophrenia, fortunately it's not paranoid. Steve hears voices which emanate from all kinds of objects. One of the voices Steve hears, belongs to an old friend of his.

One of my friends here in Birmingham, Rodney, has paranoid schizophrenia. Rodders told me of stories of being instructed (by two Nazis, one male, one female) to stand naked, exposing himself in front of a window to passers by on the street outside. These 'Nazis' would figure in much of his life through his 20's, 30's and 40's- of course they were hallucinations, but they were vivid enough to him to appear real. He was writing a book about his experiences, but had a relapse recently, after responding well for a short time to a new treatment, so I think that the book has been put on hold- at least for the time being. I used to work in a food co-operative- that's how we met.

Schizophrenia is a very debilitating and devastating condition indeed.

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ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
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v-un-v
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Inventor wrote:
If I see a glimpse of a shadow in the corner of my eye while playing guitar, I just laugh and enjoy it.


That's really interesting, because every person I've ever met with schizophrenia have been very sensitive people. I did a paper recently at university on the effects of infra-sound, where similar hallucinations can be experienced by vibrations caused to the eyeball, tricking the brain into thinking that there is an 'entity' in the room- or a ghost for eg. If you have a raised level of sensitivity and also therefore also a raised sense of fear, experiencing something like infra-sound could have an effect that could trigger a number of panic attacks, and then there could be a further trigger of a series of events. I suffered from acute depression in my late teens which was very similar to this. I think the trigger was caused by a toxic imbalance to my brain caused by taking LSD (something I will NEVER do again in a hurry!!).

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ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Yes, very interesting. I wonder if the vibrations from the guitar amp are causing little ghostly hallucinations.

My particular type of schizophrenia is paranoid schizophrenia, but its not such a severe case that I see people. It's just the stuff I've mentioned, or feeling someone touching you at night when you go to bed - now that is eerie.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

One thing is for sure- many people dislike talking about mental illness, and it is ignorance which in turn alienates sufferers. This is a terrible shame.
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ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKSEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN.
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Kassen
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

v-un-v wrote:
One thing is for sure- many people dislike talking about mental illness, and it is ignorance which in turn alienates sufferers. This is a terrible shame.


Yes, I'm in 100% agreement there, good point.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Inventor wrote:
Also lately, just in the past week my dreams have become lucid, meaning that I know I'm dreaming while the dream is occurring. I laughed at the demon whose claws grabbed my arms from behind and pinned me to the bed, and I embraced the playful dog who jumped up on the couch where I was sleeping.


I've had dreams like the ones you describe. Hallucinations and felt shadows pressing my neck. I saw a face, right in front of me once. It's very intense because it feels so real. I know it's not real because I'm very skeptic, but it feels like it's real(the mind makes it real) I think I understand some of what you're saying because I've felt it (it hurts when something is pressing your neck, while it speaks to you in a language you don't understand). I don't think I have schizophrenia though I'll settle with sleep paralysis. I've heard voices while I'm awoke though :S. But it's nothing that interferes with me and it doesn't happen often, so I think I'm fine Smile.

I liked the song, specially the lyrics. And how you sing it. Very nice.

Not flawed at all. I'd say the opposite.

cheerios Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

Those are some powerful dreams. I think the difference between just dreams and genuine psychosis is when you believe the dreamy things in daytime. I also believe in the spirit world and I think that creatures of the spirit world have their strongest contact with us at night when we sleep.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote  Mark this post and the followings unread

BTW, I hate sleeping at night.
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