Friday jokes!

[elektro80]

Well.... I need some jokes in order to cheer me up today. Guys?

[seraph]

Italy, any big city:

two Albanians are begging on a street corner. At the end of the day one of them got 5 Euro, the other 100 Euro.
The first one wonder how the other one made much more money than him.
The first says to the other: " I wrote on a piece of paper that I need some money because I am hungry, I have 4 children and I am sick but nobody cares, what did you write?
The second shows his message: "give me the money to go back home"

The funny thing is that this joke was told to me by an Albanian girl!

I do not know if it cheers you up

[elektro80]

gee, I am feeling better already.

[djfoxyfox]

It's Saturday here and already Sunday in the EU. I hope it isn't too late to cheer you up!

A duck walks into a pub, hops up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks back into the pub, hops up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No," and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the pub, hops up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, who is becoming irritated at the duck, says, "No, we don't have any grapes!" and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the pub yet again, hops up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, who is now very irritated at the duck, says, "No! We don't have any grapes here. We never have, don't now, and never will! And if you ever come in here again asking if we have any grapes, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar! Now scram!!!" With that, the duck leaves the pub.

The next day, the duck walks into the pub, hops up onto the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender, with a puzzled look on his face, says, "No!"
Then the duck asked, "Do you have any grapes?"

[seraph]

wow!
it's awesome
thanks

[elektro80]

Hey, I know that duck!

[djfoxyfox]

[elektro80]

No, I wouldn´t know THAT duck, I am not that kind member

[elektro80]

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."


His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

[elektro80]

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?

Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

[elektro80]

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.


"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.


"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"


"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."


So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"


"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

[elektro80]

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

[elektro80]

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

[elektro80]

Definitions:



string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.


detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.


glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.


subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.


risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.


senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.


preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....


crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.


conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.


clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.


transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.


vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.


coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.


chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.


bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.


ad libitum: a premiere.


beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.


cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.


diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.


lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.


virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)


music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.


oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.


tenor: two hours before a nooner.


diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.


perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.


ritard: there's one in every family.


relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.


relative minor: a girlfriend.


big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.


pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".


repeat: what you do until they just expel you.


treble: women ain't nothin' but.


bass: the things you run around in softball.


portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.


conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.


arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"


tempo: good choice for a used car.


A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.


transpositions:
1.men who wear dresses.
2.An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece


cut time:
1.parole.
2.when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.


order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.


passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.


middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.


perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.


tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"


cadenza:
1.that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
2.The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola


whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.


clef: what you try never to fall off of.


bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.


altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".


minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.


melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.


12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.


quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.


sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.


clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.


cello: the proper way to answer the phone.


bassoon:
1.typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
2.a bedpost with a bad case of gas.


french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.



cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.


bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.


time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.


first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.


staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.


major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"


aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.


bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.


plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."


audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.


accidentals: wronng notes.


augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.


broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.


cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.


chansons de geste: dirty songs.


clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.


ducita: a lot of mallards.


estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.


hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.


interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1.Major interval: a long time.
2.Minor interval: a few bars.
3.Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.


intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.


isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.


minnesinger: a boy soprano.


musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.


trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.


di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.


supertonic: Schweppes.


metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.


allegro: leg fertilizer.


transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

[elektro80]

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

[seraph]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ?

We have all been to those company meetings where management wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But, A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And, B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

[seraph]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

>>No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
>>
>>When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>>
>>If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
>>second person.
>>
>>You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
>>
>>Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
>>
>>Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>>
>>You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>>
>>Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

[seraph]

>>GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
>>
>>Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

>>Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

>>Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

>>If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

>>Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

>>My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

>>One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

>>God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

[seraph]

>>THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
>>
>>1) You believe in Santa Claus.
>>2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
>>3) You become Santa Claus.
>>4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

[seraph]

Computer error haikus

You may have seen many of these before, we got them from an email that's appeared in our inbox a few times now. We hope you enjoy them and that they'll inspire you to create your own verse.


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.


The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.


ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.


The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down


A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.


Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that


Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.


You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.


Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.


Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."


Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[seraph]

Subject:
How to give pills to cats and dogs

Cat:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Remove pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Remove pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.

Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for data of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little monster's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat-from-hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Dogs:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[seraph]

>LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE
>
>Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
>Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu: Let's sleep together
>Ah U Wan Tu: A gay liberation greeting
>Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
>Chow Mai Dong: Blow me
>Dum Gai: A stupid person
>Dung On Mai Shu: I stepped in shit
>Fat ho: An unattractive woman
>Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
>Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field
>Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have a reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
>Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
>Kum Hia: Approach me
>Lao Ze: Not very good
>Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
>Lin Ching: An illegal execution
>Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
>Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
>No Chow Mu: A Hindu person
>Shai Gai: A bashful person
>Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
>Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
>Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
>Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
>Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity
>Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice
>Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
>Wel Hung Gai: Is that a banana in your pocket?
>Won Hung Low: Southern Chinese dialect for Welcome
>Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

[seraph]

THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES...

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to

sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then
take
the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel
righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.


A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You

join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell

both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which
was a
gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once
a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count

them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you

have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like.
You
take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing
them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
declares
bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

[djfoxyfox]

How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume of his amplifier?
Put music in front of him.

The guitar player asked the bass player, "Why are you crying?"
The bassist replied, "The drummer untuned one of my strings."
"So why don't you just tune it up again?" the guitarist asked.
"Because the drummer won't tell me which key he turned!"

What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.

How do you know if a soprano is knocking on your door?
She doesn't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1. Vibrato
2. You can tune a lawn mower

What is perfect pitch?
Perfect pitch is when you toss a banjo into the dumpster without hitting the rim.

[seraph]

Definition of a flute, according to David W. Barber in his book A Musician's Dictionary:
"A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred yards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces, for easy concealment."